Damn You
by Genji
Summary: A two-part series from Heero's POV detailing his confusion when it comes to Duo, who has skewed his view upon the issue of romance. Angst, POV, shonen-ai, language
1. Default Chapter

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Title: Damn You  
Author: Genji  
Pairing: 1+2, 1+R (sorta)  
Part: 1/2  
Warnings: Confusion, Shoenen-ai, weirdness...OOC?  
Disclaimer: The story is mine, the characters are not...unless someone wants to give me rights to Gundam Wing and then there'd be bish for everybody! Of course, someone up there told them of my sanity problem, so no bish for me...*pouts*  
  
Heero's POV  
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I used to be so sure of myself. I used to be told when everything was going to happen, where and how. I used to have an inkling about what was occurring--so damn sure of where I was going. But I don't have a clue any more.   
  
You came and confused me, leading me from my solitary ways. You taught me that there was something outside of the mission, something outside of the mandatory schooling and battles.   
  
You made me think of things that I didn't know existed, you forced me to see the other sides of the issues, and once I had done that I couldn't go back to my solitary self. You drew me out of my shell and then destroyed it. Now I have nowhere to go, and I don't know what to do.   
  
Questions that shouldn't even be thought of drift through my head, mixing in with the standard fare of 'When is the next mission?' and 'What is the quickest way to repair Wing?' Now it's 'What's for lunch?' and 'Will I ever see the others after the war is over?'   
  
You got me thinking that this might end.   
  
Damn you.   
  
You've got me wondering about feelings that have no place in the body of a soldier. You ran me around in circles and then left me chasing my tail. I don't know which way is up and which is down. Is ZERO a number or a system? Should I or should I not pay attention to anyone's advances? Yours or Relena's...I don't know. Before there was only one way to go--only one ending to this saga: oy meets girl, boy looses girl, boy gets girl back, everyone is happy.   
  
But would I be happy?   
  
Honestly, the thought has never really crossed my mind. I have yet to attain that emotion.   
  
Before, my future was more or less set out for me in a straight line. Now I don't know if I want to kill you or keep you. I don't know if I should continue down that line, which has now started to twist and turn back in on itself.   
  
I don't know what to do and I don't like it.   
  
Everything is either right or wrong. Do right and you're one step closer to the end, do wrong and you go back to the beginning. Just like we did when all those Alliance pacifists were annihilated--by my doing.   
  
I'm told it's not my fault, but I know differently. It is, but even then I knew how to atone for my misdeeds. There was something that I could do. There was no question for one moment.   
  
Who do I kill and who do I keep?   
  
You add your chaos to my order and disregard my meticulous battle plans. You'll do it your own damn way.   
  
Sometimes I want to just wrap my arms around you...   
  
...and strangle you....   
  
Damn you, Duo.   
  
Before there were never any questions, it was always r+h=end of story. There was no other equation. But you throw me a parabola, and I'm back where I started. Does hy-rp=hy+dm? Or does hy+dm result in an empty set undefined by any amount of substitution?   
  
Damn you.   
  
Go confuse someone else...   
  
...wait, come back...   
  
~owari~   



	2. Only A Pawn

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Title: Only a Pawn (Sequel to Damn You)  
Author: Genji  
Part: 2/2  
Warnings: Angst, confusion, shoenen-ai   
Pairings: 1+2, 4x2 (implied)  
Disclaimer: I'm too uncreative to do a peculiar one, so I'll just state the facts. I don't own the following characters. They belong to others, of whom I should know by now, but since I'm inert and unwilling to memorize more things than I must. The story line is, by rights, mine. I did not plagiarize anything...Fair enough?  
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I get up, wiping my grease-stained hands on a rag. Three-quarters of Wing have been destroyed, but slowly and surely, I am piecing it back together.   
  
There's not much to do when you're alone--besides thinking. I'm not alone, Quatre is updating Sandrock's systems, but I'm no conversationalist. I have come to a conclusion on the problem that has plagued me these last few days. It was a complex issue to begin with, but the end is thankfully in sight.   
  
I walk out of the hanger, never looking back. I'm still holding the rag, clenched in my left hand. I don't know why I took it, but it conforms to the contours of my grip, and is in itself comfortable.   
  
The house is not far away--.576 kilometers give or take a meter. I reach it and slip inside to find him hunched over a chessboard. The game's in progress, but there's no one sitting opposite.   
  
"I've been waiting for you," he says, placing his hand on a knight and moving the piece experimentally. He looks up smiling brightly. Upon seeing me, it fades slightly, but he's still grinning like a fool.   
  
It wasn't me he was waiting for.   
  
I stand there in the doorway watching. He gestures to the seat opposite him and reluctantly I make my way towards it.   
  
Returning his attention back to the board, he tries to situate his queen without endangering her. His opponent is doing rather well, and in a couple moves that baka's going to be brought to his knees.   
  
I block that picture out of my head.   
  
"Any suggestions?"   
  
He's holding the king now, the top pressed against his right index finger, while his left is adding pressure to the base, twirling it horizontally. I shake my head and tell myself that I'm not involved. With a sigh he puts it down and gazes across the board...and my resolution wavers.   
  
But he's not looking at me, and I study the miniature battlefield. I picked up the game at a young age--J had an affinity for chess--never did beat him.   
  
The boy across from me could check his opponent in a couple moves, but telling him would be cheating. He moves his bishop, setting himself up for failure, by going on the offensive, a weakness in his defense is created. He studies my face, scanning for a reaction.   
  
I glare at him. Of course he knows me well enough by now to read into my scowls. He pulls it back to its place beside a rook. He recognizes my expressions too well.   
  
Wide-eyed he watches me, as if I'll be giving him another hint in my countenance. Tiring of that, he leans back in his chair, hands knit behind his head and looks up at the ceiling. He's talking now, but I've tuned him out.   
  
After awhile, something catches my attention. Monogamous. Could he be asking me something? I snap to attention.   
  
"...I'm tired of flirting my way through life, ya know? I mean, sure it feels nice for a little while, but at the end of the day whatcha left with? Nothing. So I'm gonna go monogamous. I me-"   
  
"With who?" I ask, with too much inflection in my voice for my tastes. It shouldn't be important. He shakes his head.   
  
"I don't kiss and tell."   
  
But he gazes out the window behind me for a little too long. His eyes follow movement outside. Someone's coming to the house from the hanger. He's far away now, but He'll be here soon.   
  
I know who it is.   
  
Pointing to a pawn I growl, "This, here," indicating that it should capture the opposition's piece.   
  
"But it's only a pawn," he protests. I shrug and walk away.   
  
"What about our game?" he asks, having jumped to the conclusion that since I had sat down in the other's chair, I had challenged him. I don't deign to comment.   
  
I don't play chess anymore.   
  
I go upstairs and pull my duffel bag out from under my cot. Meticulously, I start packing, pulling out from the closets the little clothing and personal effects that belong to me. The last thing to go is the laptop, which I check for missions, one last time.   
  
There are no missions to distract me from this predicament. I sigh inwardly and pack the machine away.   
  
But I'm not staying. I'll leave Wing here, then. I have to scrounge up some parts that aren't on hand, anyway. And I won't be coming back until I have all the components I need. So when I do return, I won't have to stay very long.   
  
I swing the ragged bag over my shoulder and walk out of this bedroom of sorts. Down the stairs--all thirteen of them; past Duo, who's looking rather pleased with himself, he has probably realized that the pawn which he will sacrifice will help him win the game; and out the door. I pass Him on my way to the hanger. He smiles at me and asks me where I'm going.   
  
I want to kill Him.   
  
I won't, as He is a gundam pilot, and doing so would only result in a prolongment of the war.   
  
I hate Him.   
  
I shouldn't. He's saved my worthless life before.   
  
But He has what I want.   
  
It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what I want. I got this far, didn't I? As long as I don't see Him or Duo, I can get through this. It doesn't matter.   
  
I reach the hanger and 'borrow' a jeep. I didn't bother to grab any keys, so I hotwire it. The car starts. I toss my bag into the back and pull out.   
  
I don't have to be here.   
  
I am, after all, only a pawn.   
  
~owari~   



End file.
